Spousal Support Tax Issues

Divorce is a time of transition and change. Spouses move out of the marital residence, custodial schedules change, property is divided and spousal support orders are implemented by agreement or by Court order. Spousal support, as defined by the Internal Revenue Code, has tax implications for both the payor and the recipient.

In order for payments to be considered spousal support, the federal tax code has 7 requirements that must be met. If all of the requirements are met, the payments will be taxable to the person receiving the support and eligible as a deduction from gross income for the person paying the support (California Judges Bench Guide 2012).

The 7 requirements are:

1. “The payment is made under a written divorce or separation agreement” – A legal document must record the agreement.
2. “For payments made after the couple is no longer married, they can no longer live in the same household” – Both parties must reside separately for tax purposes that will be explained later.
3. “The payments are in cash or cash equivalents” – Goods cannot be used as payment.
4. “The payments are made to (or on behalf of) a spouse or former spouse” – A relative or friend of the spouse or former spouse cannot receive payment.
5. “The agreement does not state that the payment is not alimony for tax purposes”
6. “The parties do not file a joint tax return” – This point coincides with the second requirement.
7. “The obligation to make the nondelinquent payments does not survive the receiving spouse” – The payments must stop upon death of the spouse receiving the support. (Californiadivorceplanning.com)

Certain payments (mortgage, medical expenses, home insurance, and rent) can be characterized as spousal support and qualify as a deduction for the payer and as taxable income to the recipient if specific tax and legal requirements are met. Some life insurance payments fit under this category if the ex-spouse that is receiving the payments owns the life insurance policy (Susan Bishop’s “Understanding and Calculating Alimony in California”).

In some cases when taxes are due, the party that has received spousal support payments does not have the funds to pay the tax. To avoid this problem, the spouse receiving spousal support should make quarterly estimated tax payments to keep his or her outstanding obligations to the IRS and Franchise Tax Board from growing too large.

Another method is to not have the spousal support treated as deductible and taxable payments (only if both parties agree). The spouse receiving the payments must attach a copy of the agreement to the tax return they file for each year that the payments are made (Susan Bishop’s “Understanding and Calculating Alimony in California”). This can be done in a few different ways and is often part of a spousal support buyout.

Paying or receiving spousal support will be an important component of your post-divorce financial situation. It is important to understand the terms of your settlement agreement and their impact on you. If you have questions regarding spousal support, please contact The Law Office of Matthew J. Rudy for a Free 1-Hour Consultation.

Spousal Support

When a person files for divorce, either spouse can request spousal support. Spousal support is a “legal obligation on a person to provide financial support to their spouse after marital separation or divorce” (Wikipedia). There are many factors that go into the determination of spousal support. Some of these factors include: length of marriage, length of separation, age of the parties at time of the divorce, relative income of the parties, future financial prospects of the parties, health of the parties, fault in marital breakdown, debts and property, education, domestic violence history, and tax impact of spousal support (http://www.leginfo.ca.gov).

There are 2 basic types of support: Temporary and Permanent. Temporary spousal support is awarded prior to entry of the final judgment. The purpose of temporary support is to maintain the “status quo” of the parties until the judgment. The purpose of the permanent support is to provide financial assistance to one spouse once the community property estate has been divided. A general rule is that spousal support will last for half the length of a marriage, if the marriage was less than ten years in duration. In marriages of more than ten years in duration the Court has increased discretion with regards to the term of the spousal support obligation.

Don’t Fall Behind in Your California Spousal Support Payments

Layoffs remain a constant in Santa Clara County and the Silicon Valley. If you have been laid off, or if your unemployment benefits have expired, you now face the reality of having to make support payments that were based on your prior level of income, and you may not be able to afford these payments. Spousal support orders (and child support orders) can only be modified from the date that a motion to modify was filed and cannot be modified as to any obligation that accrued prior to that date.

Ultimately, Family Law judges have wide discretion to fashion a spousal support order that is appropriate to the circumstances of a particular family. As circumstances differ between families, it is important to be apprised of your rights and obligations both with regard to setting an initial spousal support order
If you would like more information, please contact The Law Office of Matthew J. Rudy to schedule a free 1 hour consultation.

Interesting Celebrity Prenuptial Agreement Clauses

Many people turn to prenuptial agreements as a form of divorce insurance designed to protect them from the worst effects of a divorce. Celebrity Harrison Ford was not one of them, at least during his first marriage. As a result he was ordered to pay ex-wife and screenwriter Melissa Mathison $90 million during their divorce. More recent celebrities seem to have learned Harrison’s mistake and have reportedly worked some interesting provisions into their prenuptial agreements.
Jessica Biel & Justin Timberlake

Before agreeing to marry Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel had him agree to a clause in the prenup that will give her at least $500K if he strays. (Radar Online)

Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom

Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom married while he was playing for the Los Angeles Lakers. The New York Daily News reported that Lamar agreed to give Khloe courtside Laker tickets for her whole family if they were to ever divorce. It seems odd that someone would want courtside seats to watch her ex-husband work. Lamar Odom was subsequently traded from the Lakers to the Dallas Mavericks and now plays for the Los Angeles Clippers

Jessica Simpson & Tony Romo

When Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo were still together, there was talk about engagement. Chicago Now reported that people suggested that Romo might want to include a “porker clause” in their prenup, which would theoretically state that if she weighed more than 135 pounds during the marriage, she would have to pay Romo $500K.

Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban

In this prenup, Keith Urban was to make $640K for every year that they are married. However, if the former cocaine addict was to use any illegal drugs, he would not get a cent. (Buzzle)

Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt

Before Shiloh was born, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie allegedly drew up a prenup that would ensure that Angelina would retain custody of all the kids. The couple has been rumored to have married over the New Year. (Bridal Wave) In California a prenuptial agreement cannot provide for custody orders.

Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise

Rumors suggested that Katie received $3 million for every year they were married, up to $33 million (however they were only married for 5 years). Potentially after 11 years, a Sunset Provision would have voided the agreement and Holmes could have received half of Cruise’s bounty. (Radar Online)

Denise Richards & Charlie Sheen

Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen had a spectacularly messy divorce, but thankfully there was a prenup to keep it on track. The most interesting part was that Denise was guaranteed a $4 million bonus if the famous philanderer ever cheated on her. (Aisle Dash)

Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones had a similar clause—on top of the $2.8 million Zeta-Jones receives for each year of marriage, she would also get a $5 million bonus if Douglas were ever caught cheating. (Aisle Dash)

Liz Taylor & Larry Fortensky

Lifetime construction worker Larry Fortensky had a clause put in his prenup that entitled him to $1 million after 5 year of marriage. (Forbes)

Jane Beasley Welch & Jack Welch

It’s hard to imagine that one of American industry’s most prolific wealth-producing CEO’s got swindled, but that’s exactly what Jane Beasley Welch did to her husband. Her prenup with former General Electric head Jack Welch contained a “sunset clause” that abolished the prenup after 10 years of marriage. Once the clause took effect, Jane split and rode off into that sunset with $150 million. (Aisle Dash)

While you may not anticipate needing any of the prenuptial agreement provisions discussed here, if you have significant assets prior to your marriage or anticipate having significant earnings or assets after your marriage, you may want to consider entering into a prenuptial agreement.

For more information about prenuptial agreements or to schedule a free one hour consultation regarding other family law related issues please contact The Law Office of Matthew J. Rudy.

Child Support Guidelines

In any family law case involving minor children, the issue of child support is likely to be the subject of significant focus. Child support is based on the policy that both parents have an obligation, both legal and moral, to financially support their children regardless of the parents custodial rights. As a legal matter child support includes the financial support of children and not other forms of support, such as emotional support, physical care, or spiritual support.
How is Child Support Calculated in California?

The amount of child support to be paid by parents is based on the amount of time each parent spends with the child and their net disposable incomes. CalWORKS grants, a welfare program that gives cash aid and services to eligible needy families, is not considered income for purposes of calculating child support. Income is money from sources including: self-employment, job wages, savings accounts, unemployment money, disability and workers’ compensation, interest, dividends, rents, Social Security and any other payments or credits due or becoming due regardless of source. The court may consider a parent’s earning capacity, or the amount of money the judge thinks the parent could be making, instead of the parent’s actual income.

According to Family Section Code 4055, the statewide uniform guideline for determining child support orders is as follows: CS = K UHN – [(H%)(TN)]. The components of the formula are as follows:

CS = child support amount.

K = amount of both parents’ income to be allocated for child support.

HN = high earner’s net monthly disposable income.

H% = approximate percentage of time that the high earner has or will have primary physical responsibility for the children compared to the other parent. In cases in which parents have different time-sharing arrangements for different children, H% equals the average of the approximate percentages of time the high earner parent spends with each child.

TN = total net monthly disposable income of both parties.

For more than one child, multiply CS by:

2 children 1.6

3 children 2

4 children 2.3

5 children 2.5

6 children 2.625

7 children 2.75

8 children 2.813

9 children 2.844

10 children 2.86

Net disposable income is calculated by taking a person’s total income and subtracting certain expenses, such as federal and state income taxes, health insurance premiums, state disability insurance, and Social Security taxes. The judge/commissioner may also consider other expenses, including the cost of raising a child from another relationship, exceptional health care expenses, uninsured catastrophic losses, mandatory union dues, or retirement contributions.

Child support covers only ordinary living expenses for a child. It does not include things like childcare, medical bills not paid by insurance, travel expenses for visitation with the other parent, or a child’s special education needs. Parents must specifically ask the judge to include these additional expenses in the child support order. Generally, these expenses are divided equally although they may also be divided proportionately to the parents’ after support net-spendable income.

Once each parent’s net disposable income is calculated, the child support guideline is used to determine the percentage of net disposable income to be paid as child support.

The law requires the court to order one or both parents to provide health insurance coverage for their child(ren), including vision and dental care coverage, if it is available through a job or group insurance plan at no or reasonable cost to the parent. The Family Code was recently amended to define no or reasonable cost to be 5% of a parent’s gross salary or less.

When Must Child Support Be Paid in California?

In California, child support must be paid regardless of whether the parents were married until the child does any of the following: reaches the age of 18 and graduates from high school, reaches the age of 19, joins the military, gets married or is otherwise emancipated, or dies.

Dissomaster Child Support Calculations in California

Almost all California family law attorneys and family judges are trained to use a computer program called Dissomaster (other versions of the software include SupporTax and XSpouse) which takes each parent’s individual factors into account and calculates the proper amount of child support. The factors include each parent’s income, time spent with the child, property taxes, union dues, as well as numerous other factors.

Once the initial child support orders are established they can be modified based on a material change of circumstances. Some reasons for a modification in child support payments are a spouse losing their job, suffering an illness, the child reaching the age of majority, or one of the spouses obtaining a significant income increase or decrease. If there is any type of significant financial or lifestyle change a new Dissomaster calculation can be run to establish a new support order.

Should I Consult a California Family Attorney About Using Dissomaster?

The Dissomaster program is available to the public for purchase and costs approximately $500, but learning how to use the program is difficult and something lawyers are specifically trained to use. If the calculations are not done properly you may receive less than you are entitled to or pay more than you are required to.

If you are seeking to establish or modify child support, working with an experienced family lawyer will help you understand your rights and help protect your interests. To request a free 1 hour consultation, please contact us at The Law Office of Matthew J. Rudy.

Engagement Ring Laws

Valentine’s Day is regarded by many as the most romantic day of the year. People often enjoy celebrating this day by proposing to their significant other. While most engagements will lead to a marriage, some engagements do not make it to the altar and result in significant battles over the engagement ring. This blog addresses who owns the engagement ring after a failed engagement in California and throughout the United States. Although etiquette rules that an engagement ring should be returned when a wedding is called off regardless of whom broke the engagement, the legal system has differing opinions on this issue.

Before the 1950s, many states in the U.S. had what were called heart balm statutes. According to heartbalmlaws.uslegal.com, these were laws allowing people to sue on grounds such as alienation of affection or breach of promise and seduction if an engagement was broken off. After the 1950s, most states repealed these laws, but a handful of states still allow these suits under certain circumstances. Modern courts are less likely to worry about why an engagement has been broken.

State decisions on returning engagement rings can be grouped into four types. The first group of states considers the ring a conditional gift. A conditional gift is one that does not become final until a condition is met. That condition is usually the wedding. Fault may be considered under this rule, so that a man who calls off an engagement may not get the ring back unless the woman has misbehaved or been unfaithful. Other states have a no-fault rule and will not consider fault at all. The third type of state applies the implied gift rule, which means that the man cannot get the ring back if he breaks up the engagement, but a woman who breaks an engagement must return the ring. The last type of state applies the unconditional gift rule, which holds that an engagement ring is like every other gift and the gift is final at the moment the ring is given.

Some of the circumstances that determine if an engagement ring has to be returned include where you live, how you received the engagement ring, and who broke the engagement. Many courts look at an engagement ring as a conditional gift that is given in contemplation of marriage. If there is no marriage, then the engagement ring needs to be returned. Among these conditional gift states are Michigan and Pennsylvania. “The courts also have held in these states that the reasoning for no-fault divorces holds for no-fault broken engagements so an engagement ring should always be returned regardless of who decided to call off the engagement.” (About.com Guide to Getting Married)

Increasingly, more states are leaning toward a no-fault approach to broken engagements. In 1999, the Pennsylvania Supreme Court ruled the giver should always get the engagement ring back. Iowa, Kansas, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York and Wisconsin also have adopted this approach. In a nutshell, under the no-fault approach, the courts do not care who is at fault for the broken engagement. If the engagement is broken, the giver gets the ring back, regardless of who broke off the engagement, or why. (Wikipedia)

In implied gift states it depends on who breaks the engagement. These courts, as in California, follow a middle ground between the two extreme positions by determining which party broke the engagement. These states, known as fault-based states, find it unfair to the person that received the ring if the donor breaks off the engagement because the receiver of the ring was preparing him or herself for marriage. The national majority approach is that a donor who breaks off the engagement for a reason that has nothing to do with the receiver’s behavior cannot recover the ring. Other courts find it unfair for the receiver to keep the ring if the receiver’s wrongdoing or unfaithfulness was the cause of the break up. (USlegal.com)

Some courts, including Montana, have held the belief that an engagement ring is an unconditional gift and so it doesn’t need to be given back. Although engagement ring disputes are typically based on fault or no fault, there are a few other factors which may sway a court’s decision:

Family heirloom- If the ring originally belonged in the donor’s family, the receiver should return it as the receiver no longer intends to join the donor’s family.

Special occasion – If the ring was given during a special occasion, such as Christmas or a birthday, the ring may be treated like any other gift: the ring belongs to the receiver and has no obligation to return it.

Prenuptial agreements – Prenuptial agreements are contracts made about the division of property before the couple is officially wed. Since the prenuptial agreement is actually a written contract, the agreement will supersede, or replace, the assumptions made from any oral agreements.

The best way to avoid any conflict about the return of the engagement ring in case of a breakup is to enter into a written agreement at the time of the engagement, stating what will happen to the ring. You may want to do this if the ring is a valued family heirloom. The issue of the engagement ring can also be included in a prenuptial agreement.(Wikipedia)

As state law regarding the return of the ring is uneven at best it will likely be necessary to contact an attorney regarding this issue. Engagement rings are typically one of the most expensive items exchanged between a couple. If you are interested in recovering an engagement ring from a person who is less than willing to give it back you may need the assistance of an experienced family law attorney. To schedule a free 1 hour consultation at The Law Office of Matthew Rudy, please contact us.

10 Bizarre Divorce Settlements

Divorce can be a highly emotional process and people going through a divorce do not always act rationally. This may help to explain some of the interesting settlements between former spouses addressed below. Forget child custody, what happens when a couple has shared possession of a goat? Have a look at 10 examples of offbeat divorce settlements.
1. Now That’s a Breakup Record
At the time of Marvin Gaye’s split from then wife Anna Gordy, he was living with a woman named Janice. With all of the issues between Marvin and Anna, their divorce dragged on for 2 years. Anna was asking for a million dollars for back child-support and alimony. But Marvin’s lifestyle had left him in financial ruins and in trouble with the IRS. His attorney suggested a resolution and in 1978, their dispute came to an end when the judge ordered Marvin to make an album for the sole purpose of paying his ex-wife. Here, My Dear is that album. (CBS News)
2. Don’t Hassle His Attorney, Either
Life certainly wasn’t a beach for Baywatch star David Hasselhoff during his 2008 divorce. Pamela Bach, his wife of 16 years, walked away with $25,000 a month. But, bizarrely, as part of the settlement, he kept ownership of the nickname “The Hoff”. (E! News)
3. Let Us Now Divide Any Shared Organs
Back in 2001, the wife of New York doctor Richard Batista needed a kidney transplant. Dr. Richard Batista proved to be a match to his wife, Dawnell, so he duly offered up one of his own kidneys. Almost eight years later, Dr. Batista wants his kidney back.
According to Richard Batista, Dawnell Batista began having an affair a couple of years after recovering from the kidney transplant procedure. In 2005, Dawnell Batista filed for divorce from Richard Batista.
Nearly four years later, the parties to the divorce still appear to be at an impasse. Dr. Richard Batista is also claiming that he is being prevented from seeing his children. And so, possibly as a way to get his estranged wife’s attention, Richard Batista is demanding the kidney back. Since losing the kidney would likely kill Dawnell Batista, Richard Batista is willing to compromise and settle for one and a half million dollars in compensation for the kidney. (Wikipedia)
4. If Only Divorce Lawyers Had Their Own Nobel
Some ex-wives might have begrudged a former spouse his moment in the sun, but Rita C. Lucas couldn’t have been happier when Robert E. Lucas Jr. won the Nobel Prize for economics in 1995.

No wonder. Thanks to her prescient insertion of a wee clause into their divorce settlement nearly seven years ago, she stood to get half of the $1-million purse.
It seems that when Robert Lucas, 58, an economics professor at the University of Chicago, was formulating his pioneering theory of “rational expectations” and being touted as an eventual shoo-in for the prestigious award, his wife was developing some great expectations of her own.
So she asked her lawyer to draw up Paragraph 6 in a property settlement dated Jan. 23, 1989: “Wife shall receive 50% of any Nobel Prize. . . .”
Talk about timing. The divorce settlement was due to expire on Oct. 31. If the professor had been honored next year, for example, Rita Lucas, 55, might have been out of luck.
Lucas could at least take comfort in knowing he was in good company. All of Albert Einstein’s prize money from his 1921 win in physics went to his ex-wife, Mileva Maric. (Wikipedia)
5. At Least This Is Equitable
According to the LA Times in 2008, “a couple in rural Cambodia has terminated their 18-year marriage with a divorce settlement that entailed sawing in two the wooden house they once shared, villagers said.”

Cambodian couple Moeun Sarim and Vat Navy had been married for 18 years when they decided to part ways 2008. Husband Moeun accused his wife of infidelity. While his wife’s half of the marital home remained standing, he deconstructed his own portion and carried the building supplies back to his parents’ home. (LA Times)
6. Man Really Gets His Wife’s Goat
An Australian man was awarded his ex-wife’s pet goat as part of a divorce settlement, according to The Daily Telegraph. Steve Killeen can be seen taking his goat and his friend’s pet goat for daily walks through the streets of Sydney. Killeen said the couple got the goat on the Internet about a year ago when his then wife was searching for a hairless cat. “She saw pictures of baby goats and that was it,” Killeen said. “We checked with council, and four weeks later we got a goat.” Killeen’s wife took the family dog with her after the divorce, but Killeen has found a new best friend. (Daily Telegraph)
7. Better than Hotel Soaps
When hotelier Conrad Hilton married the younger Hungarian actress and beauty queen Zsa Zsa Gabor in 1942, the union raised some eyebrows. Eventually, Gabor got tired of Hilton and began sleeping with her stepson, Nicky. Hilton and Gabor ended up divorcing in 1947, and she picked up $275,000 in the process. Gabor later joked, “Conrad Hilton was very generous in the divorce settlement. He gave me 5,000 Gideon Bibles.” (Mental Floss)
8. Peter Sellers’ Timing Just a Little Off
In 1980, Peter Sellers had reached a final divorce settlement with his fourth wife that would have deprived her of any claim on his estate — but he died before the document became binding, according to legal papers that have come to light.
The settlement, which was never made public, meant that Lynne Frederick was expecting to walk away from the three-year marriage to one of the world’s best-loved comic actors with £375,000 in a one-off payment and ownership of their Los Angeles home.
However, Sellers died at 54 on July 24, 1980, before the divorce became final and Ms. Frederick was able to claim his entire £4.5 million estate. His three children, from previous marriages, were left £750 each. (Wikipedia)
9. Writer Keeps His Ex Close
Prolific Belgian author Georges Simenon requested an odd stipulation in his 1949 divorce from his wife Tigy. Simenon’s ex got a large alimony, one she later said was comparable to a top executive’s salary during the 1950s, but she had to live no more than six miles away from Simenon so he could always see his children. (Mental Floss)
10. Charles and Diana’s Divorce Is a Royal Pain
When Prince Charles and Princess Diana divorced in 1996, there were all sorts of odd assets to divvy up. For starters, there was the issue of titles. Diana lost the right to be called “Her Royal Highness,” a move that peerage experts said was unprecedented. She did, however, retain the right to live in Kensington Palace, her jewelry, and the right to entertain at St. James’s Palace with the Queen’s permission. While Diana also picked up a financial settlement of $22.5 million, she lost a variety of honorary military titles as well. (Mental Floss)

Domestic Violence in California

The U. S. Department of Justice, National Institute of Justice and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported that nationally nearly one in every four women are beaten or raped by a partner during adulthood. The report further stated that 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men have experience an attempted or completed rape. These issues are a problem throughout the country including in California. The statistics that follow highlight the extent of the problem in California.

Abuse in California – Rates of Domestic Violence

Statistics by California Women’s Health Survey

• Approximately 40% of women in California experience physical intimate partner violence in their lifetimes (male lifetime prevalence rates are not available).
• This same study found young women, between the ages of 18 and 24, were significantly more likely (11%) to be victims of physical intimate partner violence in the past year than women in other age groups.
• The CWHS also revealed statistically significant higher rates of intimate partner violence among women who were pregnant in the last five years (12%).
• Of those experiencing physical intimate partner violence, 75% of victims had children under the age of 18 years at home.
Prevalence of Teen Dating Violence
Statistics by California Student Survey
• At least one incident of physical dating violence was reported by 5.2% of 9th graders and 8.2% of 11th graders.
• Among students who had a boy/girlfriend, the rates of dating violence were 8.8% in 9th grade and 12.8% in 11th grade.

Domestic Violence Homicides

Statistics by California Department of Justice, Criminal Justice Statistics Center

• There were 113 domestic violence fatalities in 2008 (the most recent year for which data is available).
• This accounted for 5% of all homicides in the State.
• Of the 113 domestic violence homicides in 2008, 99 of the victims were females (88%), and 14 were males (12%).

Domestic Violence Facts

Statistics by Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Intimate Partner Violence

• Approximately 1.5 million women and 834,700 men are raped and/or physically assaulted by an intimate partner each year.
• Nearly two-thirds of women who reported being raped, physically assaulted, or stalked since age 18 were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabiting partner, boyfriend, or date.
• Among women who are physically assaulted or raped by an intimate partner, one in three is injured. Each year, more than 500,000 women injured as a result of intimate partner violence (IPV) require medical treatment.
• As many as 324,000 women each year experience IPV during their pregnancy.
• Firearms were the major weapon type used in intimate partner homicides from 1981 to 1998.

National Statistics

• On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in this country every day. In 2000, 1,247 women were killed by an intimate partner. In the same year, 440 men were killed by an intimate partner (Bureau of Justice Statistics Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003).
• According to estimates from the National Crime Victimization Survey, there were nearly 700,000 nonfatal violence victimizations committed by current or former spouses, boyfriends, or girlfriends of the victims during 2001. 85% of this number were crimes against women. (U.S. Department of Justice, Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, March 1998).
• Thirty seven percent of women who sought treatment in an emergency room for violence-related injuries were injured by a current or former intimate partner. (U.S. Department of Justice, Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, March 1998).
• Abuse in relationships exists among all classes, races and cultural groups, although women between ages 16 and 24 are nearly three times more vulnerable to intimate partner violence (Intimate Partner Violence & Age of Victim, U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1999).
• A recent National Crime Victimization survey found that women were 6 times more likely than men to experience violence at the hands of an intimate partner. Intimate partners include current or former spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, dating partners, regardless of whether they are cohabiting or not. (Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Re-designed Survey, Bureau of Justice Statistics, U.S. Dept. of Justice, 1998).
• In a national study of college students, 27.5% of the women surveyed said that they had suffered rape or attempted rape at least once since age 14. Only 5% of those experiences were reported to the police. The term “hidden rape” has emerged because this survey and many other studies found that sexual assaults are seldom reported to the police. (Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control, 2003).
• On September 17, 2008, seventy-eight percent of identified domestic violence programs in the United States participated in the 2008 National Census of Domestic Violence Services. See what domestic violence services were needed in your state that day.

For more information on Domestic Violence, click on this link: http://nnedv.org/docs/Census/DVCounts2011/DVCounts11_StateSummary_CA.pdf

If you are a victim of or have been accused of domestic violence, please contact The Law Office of Matthew J. Rudy for a free 1 hour consultation. Our principal attorney, Matthew Rudy, has substantial experience handling domestic violence proceedings in Santa Clara, Santa Cruz, Alameda and San Mateo counties and throughout the greater San Francisco Bay Area.

New Year’s Resolution for Divorced Parents

The new year is upon us and divorced parents may be considering their New Year’s resolutions. Being a single parent or co-parent is hard, but identifying a few key areas that could be improved will help both the parent and child(ren).

Avoid common mistakes

If you know the common mistakes made by divorced parents, you may be able to avoid them. Frequent errors include:
– Turning your children into messengers: Communicating with your ex through your kids is stressful for them. Essentially, it is forcing them to try to negotiate a situation that you were unable to handle. Use email if your conversations with your ex always result in arguments and hurt feelings.
– Using an older child as a sounding board: Teenagers may seem grown up, but sharing your feelings about their other parent puts them in a terrible position and may make them feel as if they are a parent.
– Grilling your child about the other parent: Be interested in your child’s experiences while visiting the other parent, but do not ask for lots of details about how your ex is living and whether there’s a new significant other. You’ll find out these things eventually anyway.

Focus on things you can do

Although there are a few things you should not do as a single parent, there are many positive steps you can take to improve your parenting, and some of them are listed here:
– If you have made mistakes, apologize: Let your children or your ex know that you wish you had done something differently or better. Children are very understanding, and even if your ex is not, you will feel better for taking the high road.
– Do not argue in front of your child. Because you and your ex do not see eye to eye, it is probably not unusual to have disagreements when you see each. Unfortunately, you tend to see each other when your child is around. Seeing parents argue has a negative effect on children. Instead of understanding that the argument is about something adult, children tend to assume it is somehow their fault.
– Be businesslike with your ex: Your relationship is now primarily contractual – child support, alimony and co-parenting. Try to keep your anger out of it.
– Ask or suggest; do not demand: If your spouse is doing something that you believe is detrimental to the children, ask him or her to change in a non-confrontational way. For example, “Have you tried to get them to do their homework by making a game of it? That has worked for me.” This can be more productive than simply lashing out at your ex for yelling at the kids to do their homework.
– Train yourself not to overreact: You will be dealing with your ex until the children are grown up and beyond. The sooner you can shrug off attempts to push your buttons, the easier your life – and that of your children – will be.
– Keep conversations focused on the kids: The kids are the only reason you are talking anyway, so keep things focused on their needs and best interests rather than on your needs.
– Find other parents who are in similar situations: Being a newly single parent can be very isolating. Try to find other people who know what you’re going through.
– Be specific: Assign household chores, develop schedules and agree on precise pickup times. When everybody, including the children, knows what they are supposed to be doing, there is one less area of ambiguity that can lead to arguments.
Whichever resolutions you adopt, be sure your kids know that you are trying, that you understand that the road may be bumpy, and that the pain and confusion they are experiencing will ultimately subside. Although a divorce is not usually about the children, it certainly affects them profoundly. Being the best parent you can after your divorce is the best gift you can give your kids. Thoughtful, aware choices on how best to support and heal yourself and your children are tools you can use to make it through this oft-grueling process. There are gifts to divorce if you do not let its stigma overshadow them. Put them in the sun, water them, and watch them grow.
For more information, check out http://www.BretteSember.com and http://www.huffingtonpost.com/candace-walsh/parent-better-after-divor_b_805336.html#s221776&title=Embark_on_a

Getting Through The Holidays During A Divorce (Part 3)

Managing the holidays when you are married with children definitely takes some finesse and strategy. Sometimes just the negotiating where to go can be rough: “Should we alternate years for Thanksgiving and so on? Or do we visit one house, then the other if we live in the same town?” Forget simplicity if both families live out of town.
Once you add a divorce and shared child custody to the equation holiday planning gets even more complicated and difficult.
If you and your ex cannot come to an agreement the Court will eventually make these decisions for you. There is an old adage that a good Court order is one that leaves everyone equally unhappy. Accordingly, it is better for you and for your children for you to be able to resolve these issues on your own.

For the kids

Goal number one should be making it easy on the children. There is no reason the holidays should not be happy times for your children. It is all about the attitude. Taking into account the ages of the children, you have a few different options.

1. If you will be celebrating the holiday in the same city, you can agree to split the day up. One person takes part of the day and the other takes the remainder. Barring family specific traditions you may wish to alternate who has which portion of the day from year to year.

2. If you have older children that are more into doing their own thing, perhaps you can switch up years. Celebrate with dad one year and mom the other. When it is your year for the holiday, start making your own traditions or maybe even take it on the road. Choose a destination to celebrate your holiday.

3. When families live out of town, complications ensue. Splitting a holiday becomes more difficult if not impossible. Alternating holidays by year is likely your best bet. Depending on which holidays you celebrate, you might want to do Thanksgiving with one parent and either Hanukkah or Christmas with the other. You could even agree to split Hanukkah evenly for each parent every year.

4. Regardless of how you divide the holidays strive to make a firm plan as far ahead of time as possible. Let your children know what exactly is going on. Make it easy for them. Ask them to take part in planning.

5. If your children want to call the noncustodial parent during the holiday — let them. The holiday belongs to your children; not to you. Focus on making it great for your kids. Teach them the joy of sharing holiday kindness with everyone.

For you

Even with your focus squarely on your children, you will still have to deal with your own feelings. Here are some things you can do to ease the roughness of the holidays as a split family.

1. Remind yourself of the reason for the season. Keep that as your main focus. Volunteer your time to help others with no family at all. Visit the elderly. Bring joy to those with whom you are spending your holiday time. If you find yourself feeling down, talk to someone. Sometimes just talking out your feelings and having someone else understand can make you feel better.

2. Create your own calendar. Just because it’s not your year for New Year’s doesn’t mean you can’t have New Year’s a few days before or after the “official” holiday. Who says there has to be an exact day to toast sparkling apple cider and ring noisemakers?

3. Surround yourself with family and friends. Resist the urge to be by yourself because you just don’t feel the same without your usual gang with you. Put on a smile and be thankful that you do have family and friends to be with. Know that your presence there is making someone happy.

4. Look at the bigger picture. Sure it stinks dividing holidays and spending holidays without your children at times. Look at it this way — it’s just a day, one day out of 365. Make your others days special and you won’t be so sad about having ONE DAY not be exactly as you might want it.

Getting Through The Holidays During A Divorce (Part 2)

What if you have no children on which to focus during the holidays? How does a newly single person make sure they have a good or even great post-divorce holiday season? Below are a few suggestions to better enjoy the holidays now that you are on your own.
How to Survive Your First Post-Divorce Christmas:
• Focus on yourself and not on what your ex is doing. Obsessing over what s/ he might be doing gets in the way of you having a happy Christmas experience.
• Table any anger you have during the Holidays. Focus on just enjoying the festivities.
• Accept as many party invitations as possible. Being social is a great way to avoid brooding or feeling lonely.
• If you do not have a party to go to, throw your own Christmas party. Host a party where everyone brings a dish or bottle of wine. This keeps down the work for you and also gives you a better opportunity to enjoy the party. Better than focusing on divorce issues!
• If you do not feel like partying, consider a vacation. Imagine spending Christmas on a tropical island, lying on a beach with nothing to worry about but sunburns and tan lines. If a tropical island vacation is not in your budget consider visiting family who live out of town. It will get you out of your everyday surroundings and the opportunity to spend Christmas with people who love and will support you.
• If your daily life is frantic and chaotic maybe what you need is some alone time. Divorce is stressful, added to that the stress of an overwhelming career and “me time” may be exactly what you need in order to have a Merry Christmas. Stock up on your favorite foods and beverages, schedule a day at a spa and indulge in a few extravagant gifts for yourself.
• Spend the Holiday Season volunteering for those less fortunate. Nothing does the heart and soul better than giving to those in need. Every community has a homeless shelter and they are all appreciative of any offer the help. Get outside yourself and your problems and help others deal with their problems. Doing so will help you realize how fortunate you are.
The secret to having a Happy Holiday Season post-divorce is distraction. Get out, get busy and get your mind off the pain caused by your divorce.